My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Webb. James Webb.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.