me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
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Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
live, laugh, laundry.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi