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@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@iLikeCatShirts

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

@mrkoodge

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

@randypaint

it’s the 1950s. u wanna go out in public? u wear a suit. there’s three channels on tv. the people on them are all wearing suits. the radio star is still alive. he’s wearing a suit. wanna hear music? hope u like pianos and white people. in suits.

@Mardigroan

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

@ecareyo

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

@1followernodad

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

@FunnyBison

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@_SetTheHook_

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.