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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.


You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.


Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef


[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
ME (from beyond): 😁


Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…


Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.


The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…


I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s