My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
You Might Also Like
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
it’s the 1950s. u wanna go out in public? u wear a suit. there’s three channels on tv. the people on them are all wearing suits. the radio star is still alive. he’s wearing a suit. wanna hear music? hope u like pianos and white people. in suits.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.