When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
ME (from beyond): 😁
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s