My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
How dramatic are you?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I can’t stop watching this.
these can’t be my only options
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.