My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

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My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.


Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.


When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.


“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters


The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.


Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun


dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back


Friend: Omg you know when you get sober & get embarrassed?

Me: No.