Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
Me: Not today Satan.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.
*never shuts the hell up*
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Everyone is an atheist until you zip your fly up too quick
Then its all Lord Jesus please help
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”
Geez. Give us a break already.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I’m ok never handling a firearm.