@D2BMcG

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

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@pro_worrier_

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

@StarksWeek

I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*

@ehchinoo

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

@IvoryGazelle

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

@LurkAtHomeMom

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

@ticknada

Everyone is an atheist until you zip your fly up too quick

Then its all Lord Jesus please help

@momtransparent1

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

@SardonicTart

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

@trevso_electric

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

@MikeOdenthal

Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I’m ok never handling a firearm.