My kids and I have this fun game we play now where I tell them to go outside and they think I’m going to let them back in before dinner.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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I think i just found this ice cream cone’s g-spot
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Friend: Omg you know when you get sober & get embarrassed?