My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
lmao
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]