My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
You Might Also Like
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.