Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.