Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…