Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy birthday to all the women

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Lmao 😁

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink