Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.