My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
a lot to unpack here
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
just having fun
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I’m listening
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.