Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings