My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Monday?
No. Next question.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball