My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
You Might Also Like
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies