My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
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I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend