Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

War & Peace

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

Thursday Thought.

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.