Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

I laughed at this way too hard.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.