My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 馃檨
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Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can鈥檛 give them belly rubs
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
When someone backs into your dad鈥檚 car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don鈥檛 have to tell him about the the basketball, that鈥檚 a coincidents
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Canada鈥檚 Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever鈥檚 responsible is in some hot water.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I鈥檓 sorry.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don鈥檛 move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won鈥檛 happen until yesterday.
Astrology isn鈥檛 real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there鈥檚 really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life