My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
#winning
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
