My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
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*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed