My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Gemma Correll
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Breakfast in bed.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
