My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Well, that didn’t work.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it