My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
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I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.