my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
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My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
True
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.