Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

I’m giving up ice.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

Don’t tell me what to do

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

no cat here

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it