my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
You Might Also Like
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out