Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.