My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
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The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly