My recliner and I go way back
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[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”