My recliner and I go way back
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school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
United Steaks of America
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no