my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
This kid is going places
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Seductively hides in the woods
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.