my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.