my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?