My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
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In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
