My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
The old gods are rising again.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.