All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
You Might Also Like
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
(Gaming support cat.)
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
what the
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
japanese corn
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Said the murderer.