My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids