Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.