My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
that wasn’t the question
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*