Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.