[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.