My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.

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if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”


*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.


[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*


When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact


ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked


“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire


Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.


Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!


When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them