My relationship with tea has always been strained.
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I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”