Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other