Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

Never let them know your next move 😂

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot