Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

me when somebody idk start touching me

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.