my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I put the h in mysterious.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face