my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Bed should get ready for ME
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.