Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.