Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there