Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

Thursday Thought.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma