[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
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Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Don’t tell me what to do
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman