When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.
Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.
Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Ann: I wanna break up
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
It’s common knowledge talking shit will result in dental work.