@bencoffeehall

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

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@Tmoney68

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

@E_lok44

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

@bfrosty04

Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.

@mstluvstrinkets

Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.

Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter

@Jay1972Jay

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

@living_marble

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

@Marcmywords2

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

@Try2StopME

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

@filthyson

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

@thatUPSdude

It’s common knowledge talking shit will result in dental work.