My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

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Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.


settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids


I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1


How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.


Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child


FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.


Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.


[public restroom]

Me: We’ll have to go some place else, it says “unavailable”

Mom: Even the toilet found someone before you


I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.


Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?