@bencoffeehall

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

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@SamGrittner

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

@1_dingle

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

@just1fool

I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.

@Sophie2078

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

@Aikiwomannc

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

@Midgetspar

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

@TheMichaelRock

The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.

@EveInFlow

This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.

@donni

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

@thedad

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?