My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
sleeping beauty
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?