@bencoffeehall

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

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@mkpaulsen

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@Alpot86

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

@3_livi

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

@crushingbort

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child

@neiltyson

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

@brendohare

Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.

@Sassafrantz

[public restroom]

Me: We’ll have to go some place else, it says “unavailable”

Mom: Even the toilet found someone before you

@vtg2

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

@ThugRaccoons

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?