If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.
This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?