My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Easy enough.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra