Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]