My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is