My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
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I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
some cats are just doing for fun!
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class