Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit