My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
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14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Lucky old June.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
