My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
You Might Also Like
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow