My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask