My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
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Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.