My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I’ve been learning to cook.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
sailors wish they could swear like me
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Take care of yourself, ladies
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
channeling her this year
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.