My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
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Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Overindulged this afternoon.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack