My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
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“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?