Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

Breaking news:

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

So glad we cleared that up

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”