My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
A little too much information.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.