My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
You are what you delete.
“Why you watching this shit?”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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