My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.