@joeldanger

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

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@Pro_Jones_

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

@thenatewolf

*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?

@basit_saeed

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

@TweetPotato314

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

@careworn

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

@AimeeHelene1

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

@UnFitz

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*