@joeldanger
@Pro_Jones_
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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@Pro_Jones_
@thenatewolf
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
@berniethoughts
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
@TheToddWilliams
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
@hellaphantitis
@basit_saeed
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
@TweetPotato314
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
@careworn
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
@AimeeHelene1
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
@UnFitz
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*