Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
You Might Also Like
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!
Bank: You mean money?
– Pooh robbing a bank
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*